More Questions Than Answers

There were plenty of questions among the breakfast crowd at the Cozy Corner this morning regarding who knew what in the Rufus dognapping case.  Where is Betsy Miller and what did she know about it?  Why would Dick Miller dognap Rufus if Betsy didn’t put him up to it?  Etc, etc.  The common denominator voiced by many was that Betsy did not hide her antipathy towards Rufus on the Town Council.  “She had nothing against Rufus personally,” said George Heffernon, “she just could not stand having a dog on the council especially when he usually voted against her.  She thought we were all idjits for electing him.  I heard her say that more than once.”

What is the story?

Rob Tricklefinger asked at the Cozy Corner this morning: “What’s up with the Rufus story?  Two weeks ago Wayne took him out to the Grassmans to get Klak to translate his dognapping story.  He even said that Rufus maybe knew who took him, and we hear nothing since.”  This question generated much speculation among the breakfast crowd.  Some thought Rufus had no story to tell, and some thought that maybe Klak couldn’t understand him.  “The key is that Klak said two weeks ago that Rufus might know who took him,” offered Joe Wittenberg.  “That plus two weeks of silence from both Wayne Kobel and Chief Burley.  Neither of them has been coming here for breakfast or lunch.  They’re avoiding us because they know something that they don’t want anyone to know until they know it for sure.”  “That’s all baloney,” said Ralph Meiker.  “I asked Wayne about it down at the Garden Center last week.  He said it wasn’t much of a story so he didn’t see any point in telling it.  He’s just glad to have Rufus back.”  That comment was greeted with skepticism by most, as Wayne is known to comment openly on lesser issues.  So, Wayne Kobel, Chief Burley, what is the story on Rufus?

Debriefing Rufus

Wayne Kobel told friends at the Cozy Corner this morning that he left Rufus at Grassman Camp to see if he will open up to them about his abduction.  Since returning home from the hospital on July 2, Rufus has recovered nearly 100% from his ordeal.  “The Grassmans understand dog language, and if he has any story to tell, Klak can translate it in sign language.  I think Rufus is ready, and I’d sure like to know what happened to him.”  Last week Wayne reported that Klak Grassman believes Rufus recognized at least one of his abductors.

O’Bannon: Stimulus Needed

Yesterday Mayor O’Bannon told the lunchtime crowd at the Cozy Corner that the town needs an economic stimulus with unemployment approaching 2%.  Ed Martin asked the mayor, “What kind of stimulus project could we get in Pearlville?”  Bob Rausch pointed out that “The state has a 10% unemployment rate and the reason we are approaching 2% is that Margie Conklin will be laid off from the library next week and she doesn’t need a job anyway.  “So what are you proposing, that we start paying federal taxes so we might get some of it back?” 

The mayor answered, “We have to understand that we are not just Pearlville residents, we are part of a bigger world.  We’ll have to study this and see what kind of stimulus project we might be able to get.  And I’m not saying that we need to pay federal taxes to get federal money.  That’s not the kind of change we need.  In the next Town Council meeting I’m going to appoint a committee to investigate our options.  I’ll see y’all then.”  As Sally Barnhardt was cleaning up the mayor’s table she was heard to say “He would stimulate this place if he could leave a decent tip.”

Dognapping Day 6

No news today on the abduction of Rufus, Wayne Kobel’s purebred Shiba Inu and Town Council member.  At breakfast today at the Cozy Corner, Betsy Miller was a miffed at Wayne’s complaint about why she did not support an additional reward for information leading to Rufus’s return.  “He is way out of line.  I voted against the reward because it’s not in the budget.  Wayne wanted the reward to come from the Green Pearlville program, and we are not going to compromise on doing our part to save the planet.  And everyone knows that Wayne was prompting Rufus on council votes.  One bark for Yea, two barks for Nay, who does he think he’s kidding?  Last year Animal Planet wanted to come in and film a council meeting.  Thank God we changed the requirements for the next election.”

O’Bannon Reaches Out to Muslims

Mayor O’Bannon gave a speech in the town square yesterday promoting greater understanding of Muslim Americans.  “Islam is a peaceful religion and the vast majority of Muslims in America are real Americans just like you and me,” said the mayor.  “Pearlville has never had any problem with Muslims and they have never had any problem with Pearlville.  America was founded on freedom of religion, and it’s time that we move forward in the great American tradition and give Muslims the same respect as we give Lutherans.”

The Mayor’s speech was an active subject among the lunchtime crowd at the Cozy Corner.  Everyone agreed that it was a stirring speech.  “Almost brought a tear to my eye,” said George Klemmer.  “The mayor really knows how to spin a yarn,” added Elmer Rittman.  “It made me proud to be an American.  But have we ever had a Muslim in Pearlville?” asked Ron Gutwein.  The consensus of the crowd was that Pearlville has never had a Muslim resident.  Bob Radford suggested that “Joe Alfonse kind of looked like a Muslim when he lived here in the 70’s, with the beard and funny clothes.  Maybe he was really Joe Al Fonsi, but he probably was Italian like we thought at the time.”  Ed Ringer summed it up when he said “It doesn’t matter.  We will never have Muslims living in Pearlville because we don’t have a mosque.  But the point of the mayor’s speech is that if we ever have a Muslim passing through, like if they get lost on vacation, we should treat them like any outsiders- roll out the red carpet and sell them as much as we can.”

GM Files for Bankruptcy

As anticipated, Government Motors filed for bankruptcy today in New York District Court.  The new company will be owned 60% by the government of the United States, 12.5% by the government of Canada, and most of the balance by the United Auto Workers.  Conversation at the Cozy Corner this morning centered on the future of GM and the quality of automobiles that the government will produce.  Art Landsberger posed the question of the day to the breakfast crowd: “In five years will a new Chevy be better than a Yugo?  The unscientific poll of the 20 diners had this result: 12 Yes, 8 No.  Four of the Yes voters added that it would take ten years for a new Chevy to be worse than a Yugo.

Another key question focused on Ford Motor Company: “How is Ford going to compete with the government?”  Bill Redbone was the most vocal in favor of making his next truck a Ford, while Ed Nicholsen asked “Why would you not buy a GM or Chrysler, since our tax money is keeping those companies in business?”  Everyone thought that was a good one.  “What I mean,” Ed added, “is that American taxpayers are keeping them in business.  We have relatives and friends away from Pearlville where they pay taxes, and we should support them.”  While the reaction to this comment was mixed, most agreed that we and the taxpayers will have to see how it all develops.

Pluto Reinstated

Lunchtime at the Cozy Corner provided some astronomical enlightenment today.  Leo Dorfman announced that he found the image of the solar system in a cow pie in his pasture this morning.  “The pasture has plenty of cow pies so I usually pay no attention except to try not to step in ‘em.  But I was walking over to check on a broken fence board and would have stepped in this one except I saw it just in time.  All cow pies are round with circles inside cause of the way they are made.  But this was a special one.  There was a big circle in the center for the sun, and nine circles kind of radiating out from the sun.  In each circle there was a corn kernel, an undigested corn kernel, for each planet in the solar system.  I counted ‘em twice, nine planets, which means that Pluto really is planet.  Never mind what the experts said when they demoted Pluto last year.”  Where is the solar system cow pie?  “It was too fresh to move.  I’ll give it a few days to dry out, and then I’ll bring it in for all to see.”  This last comment prompted Sally Barnhardt to tell Leo that she would serve no one who brought a cow pie into her restaurant, solar system or not.  “I was going to leave it in the back of the truck anyway,” concluded Leo.

Supreme Court Nomination

This week President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor to be the next Justice of the Supreme Court.  The president cited her background, as a minority female who worked her way up from poverty, as contributing to his decision.  The nominee was a subject of discussion this morning at the Cozy Corner.  Jeff Fox said by that criteria Kela Grassman should be a Supreme Court Justice.  “The Grassmans are a minority group and she is a female.  She was born in a cave.  She raised a good family that contributes to the community and her judgment is respected by all of us.”  Most people agreed, but Ralph Schubert pointed out the obvious: “No way Kela would want to go to the Supreme Court.  All heck would break loose around here and we don’t want that either, but it would be pretty funny when people found out that a Grassman was smarter than most of the judges in the country.”

Searching for Cheesus

This morning at the Cozy Corner Bob Lebrand and Joe Arcola commandeered the big table and were sorting through three bags of Cheetos that they bought last night in Wilmington.  “So far there’s no Cheesus in here anywhere,” said Joe, referring to the Jesus Cheeto found in Texas this week.  “Any Cheeto that looks remotely human don’t really look human at all.  Like this one here, it looks more like Grassman.” 

Sally Barnhardt, waitress on duty this morning, asked the boys more than once if they were going to order their eggs or eat Cheetos for breakfast.  “Either way I expect a good tip for y’all drinking coffee for an hour and a half at the big table.”