Winning Clunker

Pearlville Motors announced the winner of its “Biggest Clunker” contest.  Yes, we said “winner,” as in one winner of all three categories: Oldest Clunker, Ugliest Clunker, and Best Deal Clunker.  Arlen Hillenbrandt won it all by trading in his 1984 Oldsmobile Delta 88.  “We wanted to spread the awards around,” said Sales Manager Bob Jenkins, “and on Saturday we thought we would have different winners in all three categories, but Arlen came in on Monday and blew the field away.  There was no question that his Olds was the oldest, ugliest, and the most profitable trade-in.” 

There was some discussion of whether or not Arlen’s car qualified.  Qualifying clunkers must be in running condition, and no one heard the car’s engine running when he pulled into the dealership.  “I got it here, didn’t I?  It wasn’t towed in or pushed in.  I drove right into the lot.  It’s not my fault if they can’t start it now.”  One salesman told this reporter confidentially that Arlen’s car was gravity powered, as he lives uphill from the dealer.  But no one is going to argue.  Arlen announced as he drove away in his new Ford Taurus that he will donate his $4500 award to the town.

Cash for Clunkers Awards

Pearlville Motors yesterday announced that it will present its “Biggest Clunker” awards to the customers who made out the best under the government’s “Cash for Clunkers” program which ends at 8pm tonight.  Sales Manager Bob Jenkins said the sales staff will vote for winners in three categories: Oldest Clunker, Ugliest Clunker, and Best Deal Clunker, with prize money of $2500, $1500, and $500 respectively, to be donated to the winner’s charity of choice.  “Total prize money is $4500, the same as each customer received from the government for trading in their clunkers.  This program was a windfall for Pearlville Motors and we want to give something back to the community.  This will be a fun way to do it.”

GM Files for Bankruptcy

As anticipated, Government Motors filed for bankruptcy today in New York District Court.  The new company will be owned 60% by the government of the United States, 12.5% by the government of Canada, and most of the balance by the United Auto Workers.  Conversation at the Cozy Corner this morning centered on the future of GM and the quality of automobiles that the government will produce.  Art Landsberger posed the question of the day to the breakfast crowd: “In five years will a new Chevy be better than a Yugo?  The unscientific poll of the 20 diners had this result: 12 Yes, 8 No.  Four of the Yes voters added that it would take ten years for a new Chevy to be worse than a Yugo.

Another key question focused on Ford Motor Company: “How is Ford going to compete with the government?”  Bill Redbone was the most vocal in favor of making his next truck a Ford, while Ed Nicholsen asked “Why would you not buy a GM or Chrysler, since our tax money is keeping those companies in business?”  Everyone thought that was a good one.  “What I mean,” Ed added, “is that American taxpayers are keeping them in business.  We have relatives and friends away from Pearlville where they pay taxes, and we should support them.”  While the reaction to this comment was mixed, most agreed that we and the taxpayers will have to see how it all develops.

Searching for Cheesus

This morning at the Cozy Corner Bob Lebrand and Joe Arcola commandeered the big table and were sorting through three bags of Cheetos that they bought last night in Wilmington.  “So far there’s no Cheesus in here anywhere,” said Joe, referring to the Jesus Cheeto found in Texas this week.  “Any Cheeto that looks remotely human don’t really look human at all.  Like this one here, it looks more like Grassman.” 

Sally Barnhardt, waitress on duty this morning, asked the boys more than once if they were going to order their eggs or eat Cheetos for breakfast.  “Either way I expect a good tip for y’all drinking coffee for an hour and a half at the big table.”

Cheetos Shortage

The Cheetos shelf at the Shop & Save is empty today after a Dallas, Texas woman found a Cheeto that she claims looks like Jesus earlier this week.  “Customers made a run on Cheetos hoping to find another one that looks like Jesus or maybe looks like somebody else,” according to Ellen Marbury, manager of the Shop & Save.  When can we expect the Cheetos shelf to be restocked?  “Not til Monday, but we have plenty of other snacks that might look like somebody.  Yesterday Sonia Hayworth found a pretzel that looks like Reverend Jeepers.”

New Name for Chrysler

Word from Washington today is that Chrysler Corporation will change its name to Change Motors.  The company’s first hybrid car will be introduced in 2010 and will be called the Changer.  In addition, the existing Charger muscle car will be discontinued at the end of this model year.  The Charger name will be reintroduced in 2012 as an all-electric car.