New Name and New Location

Weekly Wiper readers are invited to follow Pearlville news and comments at our new location www.pearlvillepost.com.  The editor hopes that both of you will enjoy the new Pearlville Post.

Editorial: Visit the Creation Museum

Of the many interesting places we visited in September, the most interesting was the Creation Museum in northern Kentucky near Cincinnati.  My wife thinks shopping malls are equal to museums and she enjoyed this one.  As proof, she bought more stuff in the gift shop than she bought at Prime Outlets the day before.

To my knowledge there is no other museum devoted to presenting Genesis as factual history.  And why shouldn’t there be one?  Detractors say that Genesis is a myth because its assertions cannot be proved by scientific evidence.  The scientific history of our planet and the universe changes generationally based on the latest discoveries.  The scientific theories of the past are in the category of myths today, and that tends to level the playing field versus the creation story.

The Creation Museum is a wonderful presentation of Genesis.  The quality of the exhibits is on par with those in Chicago’s Museum of Natural History.  There are plenty of interactive opportunities for both children and adults.  The walk through Noah’s Ark is fascinating.  After the museum, we took a stroll through the several acres of beautiful gardens filled with plants that don’t look like they belong in this climate, but there they are.

Today a minority percentage of Americans accept Genesis as fact, so the Creation Museum invites controversy.  Probably the most controversial assertion is that dinosaurs and man coexisted.  This goes against everything archeology has discovered in the past 100 years.  But, on the fifth day God created all the fish and animals, and on the sixth day God created man, so there you are.  All creatures great and small coexisted with man.

In my small mind an obvious question popped up in the dinosaur exhibit: Why, in rock strata where dinosaur fossils are found, do we not also find human fossils as well as fossils of dogs, cats, and horses?  The question was not addressed in the exhibit, so the answer becomes one of faith.  I grew up with the Flintstones, so the Creation Museum’s answer is good enough for me.

Back From Vacation

Your humble correspondent took vacation for the month of September and is happy to be back.  Not that I think the Wiper was missed for a month, as it appears that life in Pearlville as gone on just fine without me or the paper.  I’m just glad to be back because I am not a Shopper.  My bride and I visited lots of interesting places within driving distance of Pearlville.  I like to drive but there is one downside to it: shopping malls are visible in every town.  She considers them to be cultural monuments on par with museums, particularly factory outlet malls which are revered on the same level as European cathedrals.

To me, that’s OK as long as one has a purpose.  I avoid them as much as possible, but when I have to go to the mall I am a Buyer.  I Go in, Get what I want, and Get out.  The 3 Gs are the rule for the Buyer.  But Shoppers are different.  They have no goal or if they do it’s a mystery.  Walking the mall with the wife has as much apparent purpose as walking the cat down the street.  She enters a store, meanders around for awhile, and then exits the store saying “they don’t have anything.”

The same thing repeats again and again until it’s time for lunch.  We have a sandwich in the food court.  Mine is pretty good and I finish it off in a few minutes.  She says hers is good too but she’s only half done because she’s been talking.  So I wait for her to finish her sandwich while enjoying the entire ambiance that a fast food court can provide.

Next step for me is to the parking lot until I am reminded that we have not Shopped the other half of the mall.  OK.  Again, the key word is “Shop” because she has nothing in mind to buy.  But it’s clear that she’s thinking of me because we passed several men’s stores where I was encouraged to visit.  “I don’t need anything,” I said.  Fine, we continue on as before, meandering this way and that while buying nothing.  Finally we leave and I am thankful.  I am most impressed that she had a wonderful Shopping experience even though “they didn’t have anything” she wanted to buy, not that day anyway.  But she has new destinations for future Shopping trips.  There was a purpose to this after all.

Editorial: Curious Accusation by George

While I am reluctant to give recognition to Mr. George Nichols for his opinion piece yesterday, when my integrity is challenged I am obligated to respond to my readers.  Mr. Nichols strongly suggested that my three-page solution to health care reform was actually written by my grandson in Miss Sasso’s third grade class.

Yesterday I visited Miss Sasso at Pearlville Elementary and reviewed the student’s essays on health care reform.  All are one-page essays, which tends to partially vindicate me because my solution was three pages.  Nevertheless, some might say that I could have taken three ideas from one page.  However, Miss Sasso and I could find similarity to only one of my three ideas in the 23 essays we examined.  Most of the students proposed that the government should provide free health care for truly needy patients.  Readers of my August 24 editorial will recall that this was the essence of the third page in my solution.

Some of them limited their list of needy patients to dogs and cats, and others suggested a longer list including hamsters, gerbils, rabbits, frogs, and geckos.  As Miss Sasso explained, the assignment was to write an essay on pet health care reform.  While our Mr. Nichols’ deductive powers are indeed formidable, he would be well advised to consult with an expert before submitting future opinions in a public forum.

My Opinion by George Nichols

Who would have guessed that our illustrious editor would become an expert on health care reform?  In his August 24 editorial, Dr. Dan has demonstrated his ability to reduce a complex subject to a 60-year old comedy routine, which aptly describes our editor himself.  What level of education is required to compress a 1,000-page health care reform bill to 3 pages?  While Dr. Dan is an educated man, his editorial appears to be the work of a child.  As every parent with a child in Miss Sasso’s third grade class knows, last week each student submitted an essay on the subject of health care reform.  And our editor’s grandson is in Miss Sasso’s class.  Must we consult with Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot to reach the conclusion that our learned editor plagiarized his grandson’s essay?  Miss Sasso will not release the essays, so we will never know if there are additional brilliant arguments to add to the health care debate.

George Nichols is a Town Council member and is running for reelection in November.

Winning Clunker

Pearlville Motors announced the winner of its “Biggest Clunker” contest.  Yes, we said “winner,” as in one winner of all three categories: Oldest Clunker, Ugliest Clunker, and Best Deal Clunker.  Arlen Hillenbrandt won it all by trading in his 1984 Oldsmobile Delta 88.  “We wanted to spread the awards around,” said Sales Manager Bob Jenkins, “and on Saturday we thought we would have different winners in all three categories, but Arlen came in on Monday and blew the field away.  There was no question that his Olds was the oldest, ugliest, and the most profitable trade-in.” 

There was some discussion of whether or not Arlen’s car qualified.  Qualifying clunkers must be in running condition, and no one heard the car’s engine running when he pulled into the dealership.  “I got it here, didn’t I?  It wasn’t towed in or pushed in.  I drove right into the lot.  It’s not my fault if they can’t start it now.”  One salesman told this reporter confidentially that Arlen’s car was gravity powered, as he lives uphill from the dealer.  But no one is going to argue.  Arlen announced as he drove away in his new Ford Taurus that he will donate his $4500 award to the town.

Editorial: Health Care Forum

August is Health Care Forum Month, as anyone who has a television, radio, or newspaper knows.  Endless interpretations of the Obama administration’s plan for government-run health care have been floated.  With five versions being developed in the House and one in the Senate, the health care debate is reminiscent of Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First” routine.  That’s right, What’s on second and Idunno’s on third base.  Average Americans rightly rebel against such nonsense.

Meanwhile, the president claims to want only two things: Coverage for all, and lower costs for all.  Liberals claim that this can only be accomplished by the federal government, and conservatives claim that it can’t be done.  But these two goals are worthy and not mutually exclusive if the government gets out of the way.  Instead of 1,000 pages, a three-page bill would do the job:

Page 1: Allow health insurance companies interstate sales to increase competition and reduce our costs.

Page 2: Allow health insurance premiums to be tax-deductible for all, not just for employers, giving individuals control and lower costs at the same time.

Page 3: Government welfare in the form of health care credits for the small minority of American citizens who are not helped by pages 1 and 2. 

Most Americans believe that our health care system can and should be improved, and we have always been willing to help those in need.  From our elected representatives a true statesman must emerge to lead the way to sensible health care management that gives all citizens freedom and control.  Who is that statesman?  No, he’s on first base.

Cash for Clunkers Awards

Pearlville Motors yesterday announced that it will present its “Biggest Clunker” awards to the customers who made out the best under the government’s “Cash for Clunkers” program which ends at 8pm tonight.  Sales Manager Bob Jenkins said the sales staff will vote for winners in three categories: Oldest Clunker, Ugliest Clunker, and Best Deal Clunker, with prize money of $2500, $1500, and $500 respectively, to be donated to the winner’s charity of choice.  “Total prize money is $4500, the same as each customer received from the government for trading in their clunkers.  This program was a windfall for Pearlville Motors and we want to give something back to the community.  This will be a fun way to do it.”

Sentencing Postponed

The August 21 sentencing date for Dick Miller and Jim Federer in the Rufus dognapping case was postponed until September 2.  No reason was given by Judge Slagle, but insiders speculate that the delay may be related the recent arrest of Betsy Miller.  Mrs. Miller has not yet been charged in the case and maintains her innocence while free on a $25,000 bond.

Candidate Profile: Carla Ziesness

Carla Ziesness is the last of nine Town Council candidates to be profiled for Wiper readers prior to the November election.  Carla is an Indiana native and moved to Pearlville when she married Ed Ziesness in 1990.  She is a 1989 graduate of Indiana University and is Head Librarian at the Pearlville Library.  Here are her comments on the issues:

I am a librarian and also a historian with access to a vast amount of information available on the job.  I have studied the development of small towns in America and there is no place like Pearlville.  We are very fortunate to live in a unique community.  I am running for Town Council to help the town retain the qualities that make us special.  Initiatives like Green Pearlville are well intended but do not help the town in any way.  On the contrary, extra taxation that goes to pay for special-interest projects will result in making Pearlville like so many towns in America that are deeply in debt and losing population.  If elected, I will join others in working to repeal the Green program and return Pearlville to its historical roots as a working example of freedom and liberty in America.